TELLY DAWAH TRACT: DANCING ON YOUR FATHER'S GRAVE

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

TELLY DA’WAH EMBASSY

Telly Da’wah Embassy, Zone ‘E’, GRA, Iba Estate, Ojo, Lagos State. P. O. Box 10211, LASU Post Office, HO 102  101, Ojo, Lagos State. Tel. 234-818-211-9714. Email: tellydawah@yahoo.com

DA’WAH TRACTS VOL. 1, NO. 33

DANCING

ON YOUR FATHER’S GRAVE

DANCING ON YOUR FATHER’S GRAVE?

A governor in one of the South-Eastern states of Nigeria wasted N25 million on the funeral ceremony of his mother a few years ago. One of Nigeria’s ministers went as far as London to mark his birthday. It cost him N5 million only. We have also heard of Nigerian musicians who organized their weddings in foreign countries, sinking millions of dollars in the process.

Yet more than 80% of the Nigerian population lives on less than one dollar ($1) per day. Our per capita income is less than $300. So many people are hungry. Thousands are homeless. Why are people still suffering in the midst of plenty?

The answer is misplacement of priorities leading to waste. Majority of Nigerians today have adopted a culture of waste. This is reflected in the way they organise funeral ceremonies, birthdays, naming ceremonies, weddings, house-warming, graduation, post-apprentice freedom, etc.

Let us take funeral ceremonies in this tract for economy of space. We will address others in coming tracts by the Grace of Allah. It is very common to hear obituary announcements on radio and television. Some place full-page advertisements in two or more newspapers to announce the death of their parents “…for a life well spent”.

Yet in many cases the deceased parents lived in abject poverty. Imagine a mother who lived in penury in the village while the son lived in the city, surrounded by stupendous wealth. The son lives in a house that can make a governor go green with envy. The house is equipped with swimming pools and horticultural gardens. He moves from air-conditioned rooms into lavishly furnished sitting rooms. He steps out from there into one of his luxurious, chauffeur-driven air-conditioned cars.

But his parents live in a poor cottage in the village. The roof of their room leaks in more than 13 places and they have sleepless nights whenever it rained at night. They roll up their mats, pick up plastic bowls and scoop water dripping from the roof into buckets. There is little or nothing to eat in the parents’ house and they sleep on empty stomachs more than five nights in a week. They manage to find and soak gari on the remaining two nights. Their dresses are mostly donated to them by kind neighbours and these are mostly in tatters.

The parents’ attempts to visit their son in the city are always frustrated by the son himself. He tells them, “You can’t just burst in on me like that. My wife is angry. She feels disturbed. This is our matrimonial home. Call me on phone before coming or send a letter. You can’t come without notifying me.”

Pronto, he instructs the driver to take them to the motor park for their return journey to the village and threatens his gateman, “If you open that gate for them again I will sack you.”

Just imagine what the wealthy but wicked son does once he hears that his father or mother has passed away. Shamelessly, he heads to the radio and television stations to place obituary announcements. The print media is not left out. He publishes his parents’ pictures in newspapers and boasts to his friends that he would organize the most flamboyant party in honour of his parents.  

He fulfills his pledge during the funeral ceremony. More than seven cows are slaughtered. Bags of rice, yam flour, semovita, drums of palm oil, groundnut oil, etc, are wasted on guests, fair-weather friends and gate-crashers. He picks an expensive clothing material as ‘Aso Ebi’. He blocks the road to hold his all-night party.

Different types of musicians entertain guests. Alcohol flows in such huge volumes that even the River Niger develops inferiority complex. He sprays foreign currencies on the dancing floor. He dances and rejoices ad infinitum. Yet his mother died of kwashiorkor and never wore good clothes in her lifetime.

We must ask ourselves: what really is wrong with us? How can the death of a loved one be the cause of our felicitation? How can we be dancing on the graves of our beloved parents? Were we quietly praying to get rid of them in the first place?

Come to think of it. How can you lose your father and still go ahead to lose your money? It doesn’t add up. It makes no sense at all. The loss of a loved one should evoke sober reflections, not joy. It should ignite spiritual emotions in us so we can organize prayers to thank Allah that we survived our parents and to ask Him to forgive them and grant them a lofty place in Al-jannah.

We do not have to wait until our parents die before we start running around in circles. We should start taking care of them the moment we start working and earning some income, no matter how small. We must visit them regularly or call them on telephone if we are far away. We must ensure that they are relatively comfortable, depending on our social status and financial capacity. We must buy drugs for them and take them to hospitals for proper medical attention.

Listen to the Glorious Qur’an, “Your Lord has commanded that you shall not join any other god in worship with Him and that you treat both parents (father and mother) with kindness. Whether one or both of them attain old age, never treat them with contempt, nor repel them, but speak to them with great respect. Lower unto them your wing of humility and pray for them thus, “Oh Allah, bestow your mercy on them as they took good care of me in my childhood” (Qur’an 17:23-24).

The Glorious Qur’an also reminds man of the tremendous debt he owes his parents. The Qur’an declares, “We have commanded man to be good to his parents. His mother bore him in travail upon travail (the nine months of pregnancy and the pain involved). Then she suckled him for two years. Therefore show gratitude to Me (Allah) and to your parents. Indeed to Me is your return.” (31:14).

Thus Islam lays great emphasis on care for parents while they are alive. Ignoring them in their lifetime and wasting our resources after their death is therefore a great disservice to the parents as well as a sin for which we may have to pay in the hereafter.

Note the subtle threat and warning at the end of the verse quoted above: “Indeed to Me is your return”. Allah is warning us that He is watching the way we treat our parents in this world and no matter how long we live or how rich and powerful we may be in this world, we are definitely returning to Him and He will reward or punish us according to what we deserve.

Nonetheless, there is a worse scenario in funeral ceremonies which is very common in Southern Nigeria. This has to do with the practice of borrowing money or buying things on credit just to entertain guests at funeral ceremonies. Religious belief apart, we can overlook the issue of rich people spending so much on funerals but what of ordinary people who go out of their way to borrow?

Due to peer influence or a desire to deceive the public that they are more than comfortable, some borrow huge sums of money to buy cows, invite musicians and spray raw cash at the funeral parties.

These are people who find it difficult to pay their children’s school fees. They compel themselves to spend lavishly on funeral programmes. They are nonchalant about the consequences as long as the lavish parties are successfully held.

Members of the nuclear and extended families are intimidated into contributing whatever is shared to them as responsibilities towards the success of the party. Even those who buy ‘Aso Ebi’ do not have to pay immediately. Many pay instalmentally thereby eating deep into future budgets of their families.

A pathetic aspect of this phenomenon is its spread among the elites. Civil servants now take loans in their places of work just to spend extravagantly on funeral ceremonies. The repayment may take three or four years thereby constituting some financial conundrum on future earnings. This is a great pity because elites and civil servants are educated people who are supposed to know better. Yet they fail to face reality. They choose to live a life of self-deceit. Tradition has enslaved them.

The Glorious Qur’an gives strong warnings against overspending. “Render to the kindred and the poor their dues but do not squander like a spendthrift. Verily indeed spendthrifts are brothers of Shaytan and Shaytan is ungrateful to his Lord.” (Qur’an 17:26).

It adds in verse 29, “Do not tie your hands to your neck (like a miser) and do not stretch it to its utmost (spending extravagantly) such that you become blameworthy and destitute”

Telly Dawah’s message to you in this tract is that you should take good care of your father or mother while they are alive.

Pray for them when they die. You are not under any obligation to slaughter cows or organize parties when your parents die. The best you can do is to arrange a prayer session for them immediately after their demise. This prayer can be repeated at any time in future but you should continue to pray for them each time you offer salat (daily ritual prayers).

There are productive and more rewarding ways of remembering dead parents once you have the wherewithal. You can buy wall clocks, ceiling or standing fans for a mosque in the neighbourhood. You can paint or even repaint a mosque.

You can build a clinic within the compound of a mosque, all in the name of your deceased parent. You can build a library in memory of your parents. Scholarships can be given to indigent students in your town or area. You can visit an orphanage and donate in your parent’s name. You can visit a prison and donate items to the inmates, etc.  

As for those who ask whether we can cook food for sympathizers who attend funeral ceremonies, we know this is a very controversial matter but we can advise that one should be on the moderate side. What is the position of the four schools of thought in Islam?

All the four Imams, Malik, Shafii, Hambal and Hanafi condemn the practice whereby the deceased’s relations prepare food for guests. They call it makruh (i.e. undesirable) because it adds to their loss and because it is an extension of jahiliyyah (period of ignorance) practice.

But Ash-Shafii allows preparation of food at funerals with the proviso that the food is not prepared by those bereaved. This means food can be prepared if the family of the deceased are not the ones to prepare it. He justifies this by contending that friends of the family may volunteer to provide food for guests.

But even this does not happen in our environment. What we see all the time are children of the deceased struggling to outdo each other in entertaining guests. They lose their father or mother, then they lose their money as well.

Ash-Shafii cited the example of friends of the bereaved family providing food for the family of the deceased in the hadith. It was related that when ‘Abdullah bin Ja‘far died, people converged on the family’s house. They sat down waiting to be entertained by the deceased’s family. But the Prophet Muhammad (SAW) asked the friends of the deceased to prepare food for the family of Abdullah bin Ja‘far.

He told them, “isna’uu li ahli Ja‘far ta‘aaman. Faqad asaabahunm ma yushgiluhunm,” i.e. prepare food for the family of Ja‘far because what has occurred to them is enough to keep them busy (and sad).

Some scholars even regard cooking food and serving it at funerals as haram (forbidden). Only Ibn Qudamah (1147 – 1223) approves such cooking but he also forbids it for guests who come from the neighbourhood. He approves it only for guests who come from distant places, e.g. guests who travel from Lagos to Ibadan to attend a funeral. Such guests may be hungry and thirsty and they may not know where to buy food or drink.

But even then the burden of cooking for them should not be placed on the shoulders of the bereaved family. Friends of the family are expected to do it. This is the opinion of Al-Jazairi on page 245 of his book, Minhaj Al-Muslim. He said, “It is makruh for the deceased’s relations to prepare food by themselves for others because this multiplies their tragedy. If any guest should deserve entertainment, neighbours and friends of the deceased’s family should do it.”

It is common in some communities in Southern Nigeria for the married women in the area to sleep in the deceased’s house for seven days during which the deceased’s family must feed them. They sing and dance all day long. This is an anathema in Islam. Guests are not even expected to tarry long in the deceased’s house. Islam frowns on prolonged mourning and superfluous condolence.

Death is a reality. Condole the family and take your leave. If you don’t leave new visitors will have no space to sit or even enter.

It is an atmosphere of tragedy and guests are expected to leave so that they do not become parasites on the deceased’s family. The atmosphere of sorrow is irreconcilable with that of entertainment and merry-making.

According to Muhammad al-Madyuni in his book Sharh Fath al-Jalil, tarrying long or sleeping in the house of the deceased is a jahiliyyah practice. Uthman bin Fudi in his book Ihyau As-Sunnah wa Ikhmad Al-Bid’ah limited the period of mourning and condolence to three days only so that repeated condolences may not prolong sorrow and keep the sense of loss permanently fresh in the family’s memory.

The attitude of the elites in our society today gives us serious concern. In spite of their so called education, they stick to practices which are inconsistent with civilization.

Ceteris paribus, they are expected to shun excessive and expensive funeral ceremonies but the reverse is the case. We wonder why they cannot pull away from jahiliyyah tradition by shunning such conservative and reactionary practices like ‘aso ebi’ and wasting fortunes on funeral ceremonies. 

Telly Dawah’s message to the elites in our society is to summon the courage to reject jahiliyyah practices.

The Vice Chancellor of Princeton University in the United States defined education as action. People who cannot use their education to change their lives are not really educated. Education should give you the courage to free yourself from all forms of slavery, mental, colonial or traditional.

Education should give you the confidence to look straight into the eyes of members of the nuclear and extended families and tell them the truth. Tell them your feelings. Let them benefit from your years of academic pursuit and achievements. Tell them how destructive and retrogressive some of these practices are. Ask them what value expensive funeral ceremonies add to their lives?

Encourage them to engage in productive issues. Tell them to invest in their children’s education instead of wasting their hard-earned resources on consumables, flamboyance and irrational extravagance. But whatever happens, don’t join them if they reject your opinion. It may be long, but they will eventually see that you were right.

The educated members in the family should be able to guide the rest towards progress. They should be able to muster enough courage to tell the rest of the family that there is no need to waste scarce resources on extravagant funeral programmes when the children’s school fees have not been paid, when members of the family live in squalor, when the youth who went for training have no shops and no tools to work with. What then is the future of such a family?

So instead of joining other members of the family in spraying naira or dollars in a party, educated members should caution those who do it. They may tell you that you must do it because it is tradition. That is where you must raise your voice. Tell them it is not everything brought by tradition that is good. We will abide by the good aspects of tradition like respect for elders, but we must reject the bad aspects which drag us backwards and add no value to our lives.

You can cite the example of the killing of twins in the past. It was an evil practice yet it was done in the name of ‘tradition’. Any woman who gave birth to twins in the past had to lose the two children immediately. They were buried alive both in Yorubaland and among the Ibo people. They called the twins demons.

The practice was stopped by Mary Slessor, one of the British missionaries of the period. That was one obnoxious tradition out of the way and heaven did not fall because it was stopped. We can stop extravagant funeral ceremonies and spraying at parties too if the educated ones can speak up.     

What we said above concerning funeral ceremonies also applies to weddings, naming ceremonies, freedom parties, etc. The idea which we are advocating is moderation. We will address weddings, naming ceremonies, etc in other tracts very soon by the Grace of Allah.

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This tract was prepared by Telly Dawah Embassy. For further enquiries, please call 234-818-211-9714.

Telly Da’wah Embassy was founded in 1995 by Professor Ishaq Akintola for spreading the peaceful message of Islam. Please reprint or make copies of this tract and distribute free of charge to earn rewards from Almighty Allah. Allah bless you as you support His cause.